King Donald the Worst

Now that our "president" has all but declared himself the king of the United States, the all-powerful one who can pardon himself for crimes he has not yet committed, but might enjoy committing anyway, this question remains:

What king does he resemble?

Is he, for example, Henry VIII? Well, maybe. He does, after all, have the same portly—OK, fat—image as Henry. We don't know a lot about Henry's diet, though his journey to obesity obviously did not involve either the Big Mac or French fries. What we do know about Henry is his collection of wives. King Donald aspires to an equally grand aggregation of women, serially bound to him by the force of the carefully worded pre-nup. And perhaps his love affair with the burger and fries will foreshorten his reign.

Or is he King Charles I? If you've read David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens, you know that one of the characters, the intellectually challenged Mr. Dick, was obsessed with King Charles's head, separated from the king's body after his unfortunate conflict with Parliament. Charles believed in the divine right of kings, much like Donald the Worst. But that belief, combined with the power of the Parliament, cost him his head. Bottom line: The current Congress is not at all like that lethally assertive Parliament. So Donald is not Charles.

Or is he King Solomon, who famously listened to the dispute between two women who argued which of them was actually the mother of a baby. His idea: "Cut the baby in half! That way each of you can have part of him.” That exact situation has not presented itself to King Donald the Worst. But he has chosen to separate mothers from their children at the southern border of the United States with Mexico. So, is he Solomon?

If not, maybe he is Edward VIII, who abdicated the throne of the United Kingdom in order to marry an American commoner, Wallis Simpson, a woman who remains deeply unpopular in England for her role in the abdication? If only. Whatever it takes to make King Donald the Worst abdicate the throne, the only hope to save our republic is that he somehow becomes a deposed king. Whatever it takes.

​Or maybe, when all is said and done, he is simply the Burger King.